Title Shallow or Deep
content ear friends,
Shallow or deep, which more accurately describes your relationships?
Living in a fast-paced society, it's easy to just brush off relationships as
they come and go because it's more convenient to just avoid dealing with
real problems and issues that really matter to us. For example, let's think
back to our past thanksgiving gatherings. How much of "real talk" went on as
we sat around with our families for a thanksgiving meal? How many probing
questions were we asked and how much did we share? Did we really care about
our families and approach them with a prayerful heart, asking the Lord for
an opportunity to minister in a humble and loving way?
Paul Tripp, in his book Instruments in the Redeemers Hands, says:
We tend to have permanently casual relationships that never grow into real
intimacy. There are things we know about each other, but they fool us into
thinking that we know the human beings who live within the boarders of those
details. So we fail to pursue them with good questions. This sets the stage
for all kinds of misunderstandings. Our effectiveness as ambassadors is
blunted because we don't know others well enough to know where change is
needed or where God is actively at work.
Think about it. Most of the conversations you had today were mundane and
rather self-protective. We spend most of our time talking about things that
are of little personal consequence-the weather, politics, sports, and
entertainment. There is nothing wrong with this except that it allows us to
hide who we really are. A person may be terribly distraught about her
marriage, yet when people ask how she is, she will quickly answer, "Fine,
how are you?" The person asking doesn't really want to know and the person
answering doesn't really want to tell. They are co-conspirators in a casual
relationship.
"Co-conspirators in a casual relationship..." Is this a sobering thought or
what?
So, why do we engage in casual relationships so frequently? Tripp explains,
One is that in our busyness, we despair of squeezing ten dollar
conversations into ten cent moments... We all deal with the disconnect
between our public reputation and our private struggles. We wonder what
people would think if they really knew us... Another reason we keep things
casual is that we buy the lie that we are unique and struggle in ways that
no one else does. We get tricked by people's public personsas and forget that
behind closed doors they live real lives just like us. We forget that life
for everyone is fraught with disappointment and difficulty, suffering and
struggle, trials and temptation. No one is from a perfect family, no one has
a perfect job, no one has perfect relationships, and no one does the right
thing all the time. Yet we are reluctant to admit our weaknesses to
ourselves, let alone to others. We don't want to face what our struggles
reveal about the true condition of out hearts.
The Bible teaches that people love darkness rather than light because their
actions are evil. We all find the searching light of true friendship a bit
intimidating. True friendship calls you out of the darkness of personal
privacy into he loving candor of mutual concern. It moves you from being a
sealed envelope to being an open letter. The best relationships are built on
a foundation of mutual trust-giving and truth-speaking.
Another reason we rarely talk beyond a casual level is because we do not
see. The Bible has much to say about how blind we are. Sin is deceitful,
causing us to see others with a greater clarity than we see ourselves.
Because we tend to believe our own arguments and but into our own excuses,
we are often unaware of how great our need for help really is. We can't bear
what we don't see. We think we are okay but wonder how the person next to us
can be so unaware of his own sin. Perhaps the simplest reason for our lack
of self-disclosing candor is that no one asks. The typical rhythms of our
lives mitigate against going below the surface. In the busyness of life it
seems intrusive to ask questions that cannot be answered without personal
self-disclosure. Yet there is a way in which we all hunger for relationships
of that quality. These are the relationships in which the Redeemer does his
good work.
Why don't we ask better questions and take the time to really listen? Tripp
says it's because we make assumptions.
When you assume, you do not ask. If you do not ask, you open yourself up to
a world of invalid conclusions and misunderstandings. You may try to be
God's instrument but miss the mark because you are putting two and two
together and getting five-and you don't even know it. Thanks to your
assumptions, the person you think you are helping may exist only in your
mind (162-65).
So, how can we ask better questions? Tripp provides 3 suggestions:
1. Always ask people to define their terms (What?). If your friend tells you
that they had a "huge fight" with [their parents], and do not ask them what
they mean by that, you have simply reached into your own experience to
define it. In doing so, you may have created a subtle but important area of
misunderstanding that could affect the counsel you give her. This woman's
fight may seem life your normal marital conversation, or it may look like
the domestic version of nuclear war. I regularly say to people, "I don't
want to put my definition on your words and end up counseling someone who
It doesn't exist, so I am regularly going to ask you to define your terms."
2. Always ask people to clarify what they mean with concrete, real life
examples of the terms they have used (How?)
3. Always ask people to explain why they responded as they did in the
examples they have given you (Why?). Now you not only have a definition and
a concrete situation but you can begin to get a little but of the heart
behind the person's behavior. Ask the person to share her reasons, values,
purposes, and desires. You are asking her to step back and evaluate what was
behind the words she said, the choices she made, and the things she did. In
do doing, you are taking the camera off the scene and putting it on the
person.
When you are careful to ask people to define, clarify, and explain, you will
avoid many misunderstandings and false assumptions that rob personal
ministry of its effectiveness (170-71).
As ambassadors of God, I think this holiday season is a perfect time for us
to develop relationships with our families and friends. Let's incarnate the
living Christ who lives in our hearts and invest in meaningful
relationships. People need Jesus!
Your brother in Christ,
Paul Yoon
Heb 4:14-16